Beautiful Surrender

Questions.

2011-12-10T15:41:00.004-06:00

(A page in my journal written not so long ago. Tears fill my eyes as I read over these words - the emotions still real and very present. I'm grateful that some of these questions now have answers, while I wait and hope expectantly for more to be revealed.)

How does a daughter sleep when the only man that has loved her unconditionally lies in a hospital bed, 71 days and counting? How can rest be possible when a heart is aching to simply be hugged by her dad who may never again have the strength to wrap his arms around her? Can comfort ever be found when nights of crying herself to sleep have become an evening ritual? All the hoping and wishing and willing don’t offer up enough power to make everything the way it once was, the way things used to be.

Oh how the last few months have stirred up so many questions deep in my soul. And I stand amazed at how the Lord has sustained me, yet find myself wondering what’s the point of life anyway? I wonder if there really is nothing I can do to fix this, to make things better? And I wrestle with how life can go on for everyone else while mine seems to be stuck in July. And I think how much I love that man and how lucky I am that I was chosen to be his. And I wrestle with how to keep hoping when all the evidence points in the opposite direction. And I cling to the promises that He makes all things new, that He puts my tears in a bottle and that a day is coming soon when every tear will be wiped away and death will be no more. And I pray for peace, for comfort, for continued strength. And I wonder why God loves me, a broken sinner, enough to even listen to my cries. And I’m reminded there’s purpose in this and all things are for His glory and my joy. But the questions still form and probably always will…

“For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17

An Honest Confession

2010-12-18T19:09:00.004-06:00

A birthday came and went. Not just a typical birthday. Mine never are. I was headed to Mexico to celebrate with some of the sweetest faces and kindest hearts I've ever known. However, I knew a wrestling match was about to take place in my heart.

As the weeks led up to my celebration, a battle began to rage inside me – between flesh and Spirit. One like never before. The enemy came strong this time and I fell hard for the lies and deceit that were thrown my way. I traveled down the ugly trail that led to entitlement, pride, fear, bitterness and frustration – a deadly combination that resulted in me playing God and demanding things, answers from the one, true Messiah.

Thankfully the Lord lovingly showed me where I had began to grasp on to ideas, expectations, and desires so tightly that over time they had quickly and quietly become idols in my life.

I was so focused on what I thought my life should look like that I completely disregarded all the unbelievable experiences He has allowed me to be a part of along the way.

I arrived at a crossroads where I had to obediently lay down my dreams, desires, and passions with the reality that they may never come to be. That was (and is) tough and grieving was an important part of the surrender.

All I can honestly say as I kneel at the foot of the Cross is that He is my hope. I trust Him with my life and my future. And regardless if my dreams become reality or my life takes a completely different turn, He is God and His love for me is relentless.

“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25-26

What's Next?

2010-08-09T17:06:00.006-05:00

I have been sitting in this coffee shop trying to figure out how to update, explain, describe the last few months of my life since my return from Mexico. The transition hasn't been nearly as easy as I imagined. I feel as if I am at a loss for words - I have been - which is the only way to explain the absence of posts since I stepped foot back on American soil. I guess basically because I don't really know how to answer the question that everyone seems to be asking. "What's next?"

It all makes sense in my head. I can even vaguely see a fuzzy-grayish 'something' that is up ahead on this journey. But I don't know exactly how to explain it. At least for it to make sense to all those that aren't camping out inside my head.

In fact, I have intentionally avoided conversations with friends and family about the future, for fear of sounding like a flaky weirdo floundering about the universe. Generally when I do attempt to answer the looming question I end up rambling for a few awkward moments that result in confusing the individual. And myself. Kinda' like right now...

I had lunch with a friend last week and finally said all the thoughts, ideas, and emotions that I have been feeling and processing these last few months. It was so nice to finally put a voice to the words that have been dancing in my head for so long. I admit much of it came out sounding like utter and complete ridiculousness, but at least it all finally came pouring out.

So what IS next?

Things I do know... grad school is on the agenda, but I most likely won't be able to start until next Fall due to application and scholarship deadlines. In the meantime a few amazing opportunities have been presented to me, but I have not made a commitment one way or another. Not until I know for sure. Until I have peace.

At times I feel a bit overwhelmed with uncertainty about decisions that need to be made. But then I remember how faithful the Lord has proven Himself time and time again. I still distinctly remember feeling such a peace leaving my job in Texas, not knowing what was next, which ultimately lead to my life-changing year in Mexico.

How could I ever doubt?

As painful as it was to leave Mexico, I knew it was time. He made it clear. So again, I stand on His word that tells me He will guide me and give me wisdom abundantly.

And until the smoke clears enough to see visibly I will find beauty in the haze and trust that He knows and always has...

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21

Meet the Moodies

2010-03-18T17:56:00.006-06:00

As thoughts of my departure swirl through my head, numerous people come to mind that made such a huge difference in my life this past year. Many of them Mexicans. Many are not.

I didn't realize when coming to La Manzanilla, just how many Americans, Canadians, and other foreigners visited and lived in this area of the world I like to call "paradise". The beauty, charm, and perfect weather draws people from all over. I have had the pleasure of getting to know some of the most fascinating individuals from all corners of the earth.

I struggle to find words to describe two special Canadians that I have come to know fondly over the course of the year. In fact, like it or not, they are now known as my adopted parents. And of course, it's nothing short of a "God-thing" of how I even met them. Long story short, it had to do with a flood in the US, emergency departure by the pastor and his wife, and two willing hearts.

Lou and Wynn Moodie are quite spectacular. I have never met two people that are so kind, generous, and caring. I have learned more about geography, history, and adventure from these two than I did in all my years in the classroom.

Lou is a handy-man and can fix nearly anything. Seriously, I am convinced he is related to MacGyver. I love how he treats people and takes care of his beautiful wife. Wynn is an amazing cook, sings beautifully, and loves owls (like me!). She has such a sweet, servant heart.

They are true examples of Christ, always putting other's needs before their own and loving people for who they truly are. I am grateful to have such an amazing example of what marriage looks like and to hear about all their life experiences. They have been so supportive throughout this chapter of my life and have encouraged me to keep learning, growing and making a difference as I prepare for what is next.

I am humbled that the Lord allowed me the opportunity to spend a year in Mexico, and knowing them has just been icing on the cake. Proof again, that He meets my EVERY need.

"...a sweet friendship refreshes the soul." Psalm 27:9b

Glimpse

2010-02-15T19:42:00.007-06:00

Right before you get to La Manzanilla, there is a spot on the highway where the trees and brush have been cleared and you can catch a quick glimpse of the beauty of the precious town.

Whether by bus or in car, I always get butterflies in my tummy when I see the miraculous view, knowing someplace indescribable is just around the corner. I can picture the kids' faces, the people of the community, and those that have become some of my dearest friends. I get excited knowing I am just minutes away from being home and surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met.

I feel the same about where I am in life right now. The reality that this chapter is coming to an end is staring me in the face. In all honesty, leaving is going to be a lot harder than I ever imagined. Yet, I get so excited in expectation of what He has planned next. I catch mere glimpses of the journey He has in store for me.

My experience in La Manzanilla is proof of His faithfulness in my life. The way that I ended up here still amazes me, as it was not something I had planned or I had ever imagined being a part of. It serves as a constant reminder to me that His plans for my life truly are much greater than I could ever dream up.

With all that being said, I look forward to the glimpses He throws my way as He prepares me for what is next...

ready OR not ??

2010-01-30T22:47:00.001-06:00

i gave my official notice a few days ago. i had previously discussed my future plans with the foundation, but i wanted to give them as much time as possible so that they could start looking for a replacement.

i've known and planned for a while now that my departure would be sometime in march. however, after deciding my end date, the realization hit me hard. i am leaving.

the past few weeks i had been getting excited for what is to come. what path i will take. what i will be doing next. the thought of seeing familiar faces, sleeping in my own bed, and enjoying random items that cannot be found here had me nearly doing somersaults. i was ready to be home...at least temporarily.

but then one day something changed. its as if i was looking through someone else's eyes. people, things, and scenery that i had grown so accustomed to had new meaning. i've always thought the ocean and sunset were beautiful, but now knowing soon these landscapes will no longer be in my view, i don't want to look away. seeing the kids faces light up as i arrive at school each day makes my heart flutter, yet i realize i have to say goodbye. soon.

i think one of the most significant instances happened when i was taking the bus home a couple of days ago. the bus had arrived early to town, so the driver parked near the stop to wait a few minutes before departing. i decided i might as well get on so i could grab a seat and listen to my ipod. i had no idea how blessed i would be by this decision. once i jumped on-board, i realized i was in the company of the driver AND his family. they were enjoying dinner together. on the bus. during his break. apparently he picked them up on his route through the nearby towns and this is how they were spending family time because he worked 12 hour days. watching them interact and enjoy one another's company had me in tears. what a special sight to see. i felt horrible imposing on their quality time, yet they were so welcoming and kind, telling me all about their family and life in mexico.

and its daily moments like these that have me continually wondering am i really ready OR not??

In the Year 2009

2010-01-25T11:47:00.001-06:00

Does anyone remember the segment called "In the Year 20XX" that Conan and his trusty sidekick Andy would do, describing ridiculous and unbelievable events that would happen in years to come? Such a goofy segment, with funny voices and flashlights held to their faces. Wow, I am going to miss him. Anyway, I am getting sidetracked...

January is nearly over and I am just now getting around to writing my thoughts on everything that happened in 2009. I'm not off to a very good start for the year, huh? However I feel I must take some time to reflect on all that last year encompassed as a reminder of God's goodness, love, and faithfulness.

Looking back, I still can't believe all the crazy happenings that 2009 offered, much like the events that Conan would describe in his little skits. Never would I have thought that "In the Year 2009" (or any year for that matter) I would experience such outrageous circumstances and opportunities in my life! It was a year of new beginnings, lessons, firsts, lasts, loss, realizations, tears, excitement...the list could go on forever. In fact, below is a list of some of the most memorable and significant events that took place in 2009

- God reminded me daily, through His creation, how great He is and how small I am
- I lived in another country
- I realized my family is absolutely amazing
- I experienced my first of many (small) earthquakes
- New dreams were created
- I learned to dramatically downsize my life
- I got "swine-flued"
- Many dear friendships were lost due to miles of separation
- Lifelong friendships were formed with people from all across the world
- I discovered that Windex kills just about anything (insects and spiders included)
- Loved ones went to be with Jesus
- I have a whole new appreciation for nature
- I braced for a terrible hurricane that fortunately never appeared
- I am learning Spanish (it will forever be an ongoing project)
- Sweet kiddos stole my heart on a regular basis
- I cried alot, but laughed more
- My ridiculous passion for Scrabble was reignited
- I watched WWF wrestling and Mexican Novelas...and enjoyed them
- I came to the realization that 6th graders are mean no matter how old you are
- I saw things my eyes couldn't believe

Reflecting on all the excitement that 2009 brought, the Lord's protection and guidance are so obvious to me. He is good. Through the laughter, tears, fears, frustrations, joy, doubts, and smiles He constantly reminded me of how much He loves me. 2009 was proof that His plans for my life are beyond my wildest imagination. As a new year begins, I am overwhelmed with excitement of what He has in store for me and the lessons I will learn!

Happy (late) New Year!!

Pearl Girls Blog Tour

2009-12-18T09:46:00.004-06:00

Pearl Girls: Encountering Grit, Experiencing Grace is an excellent book full of encouraging and inspirational real-life stories written by women who have experienced God's grace and love. The short stories are perfect for those who don't have long hours to spend reading, however you will be tempted to read the whole book in one sitting. This book would be a cherished gift for women of all ages. In addition, 100% of the proceeds go directly to two charities - WINGS and Hands of Hope.

About the book:
With His love and grace, God covered the unexpected pain in my life of becoming an adult orphan and transformed this pain into a pearl. We are all Pearl Girls. Each of us has been touched by God's gift of love and grace, and it's a gift that I want to share with others. That's why I am launching Pearl Girls.

Actually, my very first gift from my parents was a pearl. The gift of my name. Margaret means "precious pearl." So perhaps this is what I was always supposed to do. My heart's prayer is that Pearl Girls will be a blessing to others - to the women who contribute their literary talent to the Pearl Girls projects; to the readers who are inspired and comforted by the life experiences shared through these projects and to the women and children who will benefit from the proceeds given by Pearl Girls to various charities. This is a win-win for everyone, and each of us has a special part in making the Pearl Girls projects "blessed sellers."

After the first Pearl Girls tea in Atlanta, I went to my brother, Claude's home to help sort through our parents' boxes in his basement. It was an emotional experience and tedious process to discover what was in each box, to decide what to do with each item and to discard those belongings which we needed to let go. After several long hours of sorting, I received an incredible hug from heaven - a confirmation that Pearl Girls is something that is meant to be. I discovered a three strand necklace of painted pearls belonging to my grandmother from the early 1900s! Isn't that amazing?

la manzanilla en la mañana

2009-11-05T10:54:00.003-06:00

the air is fresh and crisp as people awake to the beauty of la manzanilla. the array of birds work as a team, enticing everyone with their melodies to rise up and face the day. the smell of gasoline is thick and heavy as a majority of the guys load into the back of trucks to head to nearby towns and resorts to do construction work. the ocean is still and peaceful as it gets its morning workout, quietly crawling back and forth along the sandy shore. women can be seen outside their houses sweeping and watering the dirt roads attempting to rid any lose dirt or unwanted creatures burrowed beneath the debris. the horn of the water truck echoes throughout the town as it begins to make its daily rounds, offering clean water to the people of the community. not to be outdone, the gas truck recording bellows continuously, notifying the people of its whereabouts. mothers take their children to school in hopes of a good education and possibly a better future. at times kids can be heard singing or happily playing in the school yard. the day is ordinary and routine to most, but there is still a distinct charm about it. a sweetness lingers in the air.

during my daily trek to the elementary school i try to breathe it all in and savor every moment, smell, view. its impossible of course. i don’t want to forget a single detail of what each morning presents. refreshing and uplifting, the dawn symbolizes the newness that is offered to all.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Lam 3:22-23

Día de los Muertos

2009-11-02T16:11:00.009-06:00

There are no classes today, as it is a holiday in Mexico. Literally translated it means “day of the dead”. This day has been part of the Mexican culture and tradition for over 500 years. From what I understand, today the Mexican people honor their deceased loved ones – family and friends. They create beautiful altars with candles, pictures, and marigold flowers. They also decorate gravesites and bring items such as food, alcohol, and toys as gifts for the ones that have passed. While I am sure there is a significant difference in my beliefs from theirs - as far as life, death, and eternity - it is beautiful how they celebrate the lives of those that are no longer here.

The school held various events and activities depicting the background and traditions of this special day. The teachers and students invited me to today’s festivities to learn more about their culture. Below are a few photos...

The Meat Market

2009-10-23T15:27:00.002-05:00

If a visit to the local carnicería doesn’t make you want to become a vegetarian, I don’t know what will. Various types of animal flesh (aka – meat) can be seen hanging on metal hooks as you pass by. The sound of meat AND bone being cut serves as background music while waiting in line. What might typically be a huge distraction, had no power over me this morning. My mouth-watering while I patiently waited my turn, I had one thing on my mind – carnitas de chicharrones.

The meat guy (can't believe I don't even know his name) undoubtedly must have thought he had a stalker as I would make a visit to the little “tienda” everyday to request this delicious meat. His response each time was a heartbreaking "no" suggesting I come back a different time/day. However a few days ago he said to come back Friday at 9:30 am. And that is exactly what I did.

Finally my turn to be helped, I put in my request. He even nodded that they had them. Success!! Or so I thought. He took the juicy meat out of the pan and wrapped it. Then he dumped the crunchy leftovers on a piece of paper and handed it to me? Hmm…I must have said the name wrong. So I tried again and even pointed to the meat that I wanted. Not so much. He was saving it for someone else. Everyone in line chuckled and said I needed to get there earlier. How had I missed out on this? I came when he told me to?

More than frustrated, I paid 15 pesos for the hard crunchy somethings, rounded the corner and started sobbing. Realizing I was crying over something so small and petty only made me weep more. Thank goodness I had my phone on me. I called my sister for comfort, as she has lived in many different countries and can relate to the daily frustrations. Poor girl thought something serious had happened.

Days like these make me want to pack everything up and catch the next flight out of here. Not because they are sold-out of the meat that I want, but because I am reminded just how far I am from home, comfort, and conveniences.

Then there are times when a mere smile on a child’s face makes me want to stay forever. Or when 5th graders want to spout off every English word in their vocabulary to show just how much they have learned. These kids are precious to me and have become like my very own. I have found its the simple pleasures here that are able to soothe my soul and remind me of the ultimate goal.

I am grateful for the opportunity to teach in a place where education is not highly valued. Reflecting on how I even got here and am able to work for "free" is a clear reminder of His faithfulness in my life.

"He who calls you is faithful..." 1 Thes 5:24

Book Review: Religion Saves + Nine Other Misconceptions

2009-07-29T12:29:00.002-05:00

"Religion Saves" was an appealing read. In it Mark Driscoll, founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, attempts to address common misconceptions people have in regards to religion, the Bible, and cultural issues. Driscoll's in-depth analysis had my brain churning over the topics discussed.

I opted to read a chapter at a time, allowing myself to download and process all that Driscoll presented in the jam-packed pages. Each chapter is full of scripture references and straightfoward explanation of topics ranging from birth control, grace, and the emerging church.

"Religion Saves" oozes with authenticity, as it is apparent Driscoll put much time, thought, and preparation into each misconception presented. Using humor and his own personal experiences, it was easy to relate to the author on many of the issues being discussed.

One topic that Driscoll addresses is predestination and Romans 9. Admittedly, an issue that has kept me up many-a-nights tossing and turning. While I can't say I have fully arrived at understanding why some are elect and others are not, I feel much more educated and knowledgeable about the subject and my faith. I applaud Driscoll for his comprehensive explanation of a subject that is too commonly danced around.

This book is not for the faint of heart, as it is thorough and intense at times. However, it is a book that I highly recommend to anyone that desires to understand their faith more completely or that wants to sort out any misconceptions they may be believing.

About the Author:
Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, one of the fastest-growing churches in America. He is president of the Acts 29 Church Planting Network and is the author of several books, including Vintage Jesus.

Pastor Mark preaches on Sunday, trains pastors, and writes curriculum. Mark is married to his high school sweetheart, Grace, and they enjoy raising their three sons and two daughters. More about Mark here!

To learn more about LitFUSE Publicity or to find out what others have to say about the book click here.

Place In My Heart

2009-06-24T22:34:00.006-05:00

I am heading back to the US for the summer. Knowing my departure date would quickly show its face, the last few weeks I have tried to appreciate all the simple pleasures La Manzanilla has to offer. Is this even possible?

I can't fully comprehend the marvelous display of colors as the sun sets over the ocean. How do I explain to the kids that I miss them already? That I love them more than I even realize? That I truly am returning in just a few short months? I want to soak in all the warmth from the golden sun and capture the sound of the waves breaking on the beach so that I can replay it constantly while I am away. How do I thank all the kind and compassionate people here for the huge impact they have made in my life? For welcoming me into their hearts, homes, and community?

I don't know how to articulate all that I am feeling to the extraordinary people of this charming town, but I do know La Manzanilla already holds a special place in my heart.

Daddy

2009-06-21T22:43:00.004-05:00

My sister and I lived with my dad after my parent's divorce. I was in kindergarten. Or first grade? That detail I can't seem to remember. What I do remember is how great a man my dad was...and still is.

Loving, kind, giving, compassionate. These are all qualities that he displayed on a daily basis. He took us all over the nation to experience different churches and attend various camps. I always heard him praying for our family after we went to bed. He taught me to fear the Lord.

He has unbelievable stories from serving in the Vietnam War as a Marine. Stories that prove there is indeed a God, and He was protecting my dad.

Selfless on all accounts, he is a true example of giving until it hurts. He even took some time to live among the homeless. To gain perspective and appreciate life more.

He worked hard to provide for my sister and I. To give us everything our heart's desired. I think this is why I have such a hard time taking "no" for an answer. *grin*

Since we were both cheerleaders, he had to attend the occasional parent meetings, which consisted entirely of moms. Poor guy had to suffer through discussions about bows, skirts, and spirit fingers. Ha! "Gymnastics Chauffer" could also be listed as one of his occupations, as he toted me and my friends to class each week to a nearby town.

I could go on forever listing many different names to describe my dad. But to this day, my sister and I still only call him by one name - "daddy".

Happy Father's Day Daddy!!!

Waiting

2009-06-16T15:01:00.003-05:00

On Monday and Thursday nights I teach English to the adults in La Manzanilla. Many times I show up and there are no students. And so I wait. Hoping that someone will come. With everything in me I want to help. This is such a great opportunity for the people here to learn a new language, improve their communication skills, and develop both personally and professionally.

Lately the attendance has been, well...non-existent. Many people stop me on the street and tell me they will be there. But no one shows. The classes are free and are held in the evening so that more adults are able to attend. It seems everyone is busy or tired by the end of the day. Going to class to learn English is a sacrifice and takes alot of dedication.

The other night as I was waiting, I started to wonder how many times I do this to my sweet Saviour. How many times do I keep Him waiting when His heart's desire is to help me? To teach me. To take my burdens and lighten my load. His love is free and available anytime. Mentally I make notes of when I will schedule in time with Him. But I get tired. Busy. Lazy. More times than I would like to admit, I choose other things to occupy my time and thoughts. I couldn't stop picturing Him...waiting...for me. To come and sit. To listen. To learn.

Oh Lord, forgive me for putting other things before You. Make my heart's desire You, rather than the things of this world.

Mi Hermana

2009-05-25T13:17:00.004-05:00

Growing up she had the prettiest red hair. It was long and seemed to always be fixed in cute little braids or ponytails. Well, cuter than mine, since my parents apparently wanted a boy and decided to give me the "bowl" cut until I was at least 5. I've been told that once I was so eager to take a spin on the bike that I yanked her off by her braids. I think my actions actually were in response to her taunting and tormenting me as she rode up and down the sidewalk. Slowing down and speeding up when she got near me, of course. *grin*

She's always been very talented, smart, athletic. It was apparent in her academics, cheerleading and gymnastics. Afraid of nothing and willing to try just about anything - she has gone sky diving many times as well as traveled and lived in numerous countries.

Our parents got a divorce when we were young. Being the older sister, she was forced to grow up faster and take on many responsibilities. She looked after me and protected me. Don't get me wrong, we fought like cats and dogs (mainly because of my smart mouth or obnoxious remarks). But she would never let anyone say or do anything hurtful to me.

The last two years have been "transition" periods for both of us. I guess it is that stage after you have spent a few years out of college questioning what you really want to do with the rest of your life. It wasn't always easy, but I am so thankful we were in that season at the same time. Together. There were feelings and emotions that only she could understand because she was experienceing them as well. With me.

She's not afraid to go against the grain. To ask questions. Think for herself. I LOVE this about her. She is independent and doesn't care what others think. Compassionate and caring, she befriends those that most people would not. She loves fearlessly. She has a heart of gold and judges not. When I grow up I want to be more like her...

I wish I could be there today with her. To celebrate this magnificent day when she was brought into the world. To give her a long hug and tell her how much I love her. How much God loves her. To thank her for being one of my greatest encouragers. To express how grateful I am that she is my sister. My best friend.

Happy Birthday Bonnie!!

Mother's Day Maui Style

2009-05-15T01:30:00.008-05:00

This year Mother's Day was quite memorable. Our annual trip to Maui was moved up a couple of months because one of my aunties that lives in Hawaii is battling cancer. The day was so special as we celebrated all the wonderful women in my family and feasted on fresh fruit from Hawaii and tons of Filipino food. It seemed more like a family reunion as I was introduced to many relatives I have never even met and was reunited with others I haven't seen since last summer.

Thanks mom for all of your love, support, and encouragement through the years. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing mom and great family!

Drenched

2009-04-28T20:53:00.018-05:00

Psalm 33 has been a constant read lately. Reminding me of His greatness, His beauty, His power. It is impossible for me to wrap my mind around the fact that He created the Earth and all its beauty, but also knows the tiny details like the number of hairs on my head or how many tears I have cried.

"He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord." Psalm 33:5

"He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses. Psalm 33:7

"Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!" Psalm 33:8

The Message says "...Earth is drenched in God's affectionate satisfaction..." (Psalm 33:5). How sweet is that? That God lavished His love and affection while creating Earth and has allowed us to admire the results.

Without a doubt, the Lord has brilliantly designed and adorned this planet we live on. I pray my eyes constantly recognize His unbelievable masterpiece, giving glory to Him for all His greatness.

so far...

2009-04-17T22:14:00.002-05:00

I have been in La Manzanilla for a month now. It's crazy to even type that, as it feels like I just arrived yesterday. I have learned so much in the last month. Not just a new language, but also many things about myself. At times my brain feels like mush. The number of kind and generous people that I have met since my arrival is overwhelming. Everyone has been so welcoming and encouraging. Below are a few highlights,experiences, and lessons learned since my arrival in Mexico.

- I have learned that knowing Spanish vocabulary words DOES NOT mean you speak español. Darn!
- I miss my family way more than expected.
- I have seen 8th graders napping on the classroom floor.
- Lime and salt makes just about anything taste great.
- Waking up to the sound of the ocean and seeing the beautiful landscape stirs my affections for the Lord.
- Somedays I think I could live here forever.
- I can't say no to fresh bread or anything sweet.
- I LOVE walking everywhere!!
- I watched a kid in trouble, sitting outside attempting to rope rocks in the school yard!?!
- I have seen many crocodiles to close for comfort.
- Somedays I think I could take the next flight out of here.
- I dream of my next visit to Starbucks!
- My walks on the beach have been sweet times with Him.
- Did I mention how much I miss my family? My doggies too!!
- I have had my first real encounter with a snake.
- Apparently there is no such thing as Diet Dr. Pepper here.
- There are dogs everywhere and I love it!
- I have learned to make fresh salsa, guacomole, and agua de jamaica.
- There's a good possibility if I don't stop eating at the taco stands, I won't be allowed on the plane home.
- I cry on the inside when strange creatures make an appearance.
- Most importantly, I am reminded on a regular basis that "He who promised IS faithful..."

Footprints

2009-04-02T22:39:00.006-06:00

"...that was when I carried you..."

Overwhelmed...

2009-03-25T22:14:00.006-06:00

That's basically what I am feeling right now.

Overwhelmed with gratitude that I have been given this unbelievable opportunity to teach, serve, and learn in this quaint little community. La Manzanilla is a hidden treasure. Located along the Pacific coastline between Puerto Vallarta and Manzanillo, this small town consists of friendly locals and intriguing retirees (mainly from the US and Canada) that have stumbled upon this charming village. Did I mention the beautiful beaches and the mangrove filled with numerous crocodiles? It's quite a sight...

Overwhelmed with uncertainty as I begin to settle in and attempt to grasp my role here. It can be difficult and frustrating at times learning the language and understanding the way of life here. Realizing most of the frustration stems from unfamiliarity and being forced out of my comfort zone. With that is a feeling of hope and excitement knowing one day soon I will be able to comprehend and speak Spanish with much greater ease.

I arrived in La Manzanilla a week ago and was given a few days to relax and familiarize myself with the community. I have begun training and shadowing the current teachers and have met most of the students. (I will save my interesting school experiences for another post...)

Below are a few pictures to give you a glimpse of my new home.

The beautiful view from my balcony

My cute little apartment

Crocodiles in the mangrove

Tenacatita Bay

Thank you for all your prayers. I will write more when I have time and am able to gather my thoughts :)

Cuatro Semanas

2009-02-20T10:51:00.002-06:00

Only four weeks until I head south of the border for La Manzanilla. As the days draw closer, I get more and more excited in anticipation of meeting everyone at the La Catalina Educational Foundation and everyone in the community. I feel like so many emotions run through my mind as I begin to prepare myself for this amazing opportunity.

Four weeks is plenty of time to take care of big and little details, but I feel so overwhelmed and have so much left to do. Studying, painting, working, packing, planning...ahhh!!!

While I am counting down the days until I arrive in Mexico, I pray that I do not take these next four weeks for granted. I want to make the most of my time here with my family and friends. I don't want to become complacent, just looking forward to my future adventure. Rather cognizant and grateful for the opportunities and blessings that are in front of me each and every day.

What's a Girl to Do???

2009-02-04T16:41:00.006-06:00

When this guy...

and this guy...

get fired the same season?!? Two of my favorite NFL coaches - I have dogs named after them!!!

And then this guy (another one of my favs)...

decides to retire!!! Ugh...guess I will have to pick all new teams next season.

A Little Ice Won't Stop Me...

2009-01-28T11:05:00.006-06:00

As most of you know, Oklahoma encountered a minor winter storm a couple of days ago. I'm a scaredy kat when it comes to driving in ANY type of weather, so I decided to hibernate at my sister's for a few days until the roads were clear.

Today seemed better, so I thought I would make a quick trip to the store and Starbucks. I went outside to "dethaw" my car, as it is one large chunk of ice. With de-icer in hand and bundled in layers of winter gear, I braved the cold. My door was frozen shut, including the handle...nice. Finally after I pryed the door open, I started my car to begin the defrosting process. Only one problem...I CANNOT find my scraper! Ahhh! My mom and I just had a discussion about this and I assured her I owned a scraper. (I mean who doesn't own a scraper?) I seriously do, it has a purple handle. I just cannot locate it at the moment. Why do mom's ALWAYS have to be right?? (On a positive note, I found an earring I have been missing for months!) *grin*

So after realizing it will take hours to melt away the inches of ice accumulated on my car, I decided to walk to the store and Starbucks (it is just around the corner anyway). That makes day number two of walking to Starbucks. I think an addiction is forming...

Mexico Bound!!!

2009-01-12T09:55:00.008-06:00

That's right...I'm headed to Mexico! La Manzanilla to be exact. This small community is located on the Pacific Coast of the country, about 3 1/2 hours south of Puerto Vallarta.

I will be working with La Catalina Educational Community as a Volunteer Community Teacher, teaching English to children and adults in La Manzanilla. I will also be helping with some after school programs including arts & crafts, music, etc. I feel like there is so much to do before I leave in March, but at the same time I can't wait to get there and meet the people of this community, learn about their culture, and help out anyway that I can.

While I am there, I will have the opportunity to study and improve my Spanish speaking skills. Its so frustrating to think how many hours I spent studying Spanish in college, just to forget a majority of it in such a short time.

Words cannot explain how excited and honored I am to be given this opportunity. This is my passion, my heart, my desire. To serve and help others, as I have been given much and blessed beyond belief. I know this will be challenging, yet rewarding. I covet your prayers as I prepare to leave and while I am in Mexico - for protection, for strength, and that I would be an example of Christ's love.

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10

well hello 2009...

2009-01-06T10:59:00.004-06:00

I know I am few days late in "bloggerville" writing my goals, hopes, and expectations for 2009 and reflecting on the past twelve months. That's probably not a good way to start off the new year??

2008 was an interesting year to say the least. It was a time of stretching, growth, questions, joy, tears, pain, answered prayers, hope, excitement, confusion, opportunity... I left my job with FCA. I packed up and left Texas, not knowing what was next. I spent the summer traveling and serving. I have gotten to spend real, quality time with my family.

I don't like to make resolutions. Probably because I am not a huge fan of New Year's (don't ask me why??) and because I have never truly kept a resolution that I have made. I have set some goals - some measurable, some not. Below are a few:

* Memorize 2 scriptures a month - Last year God placed an amazing woman and mentor in my life. We memorized new verses every week. It was so awesome to hide His word in my heart and helped me to stand on the truth when things got tough or when I was being attacked by the enemy.

* Become a true woman of prayer - This one is not really measureable. I have to be honest and say sometimes my prayer life disgusts me. I get lazy. There are so many things that I should continually be on my knees pleading with God for or simply just worshipping Him for who He is.

* Train for half marathon - I trained for a half marathon a couple of years ago. Right before the race I broke my ankle...ugh! I'm not sure when or if I will actually get to run in a race since I am leaving for Mexico soon, but I still want to train for one so that I can build up my endurance and get back into "running" shape.

More than anything I pray I am open and available to what He has in store for me and make the most of every opportunity He puts before me. I hope you all have a blessed 2009!!!

twenty eight & blessed

2008-11-29T11:25:00.007-06:00

My birthday was a few days ago. It was a hard one. Not really because of the age I have reached. In fact, I think 28 sounds so "wise" and "put together." I hope I can live up to that standard. *grin* I suppose it was hard because of where I am at this point in my life. Or actually where I am NOT???

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life. But lately I have started realizing my life doesn't look alot like the average 28 year old. I'm not married and don't have kids. No mortgage and as of a few months ago, no lifelong career established. In fact, I am working out the details to hopefully leave the country in a few months and even possibly start school in the Fall.

Its funny to recall my thoughts 10 years ago when I was an ever-so-wise 18 year old getting ready to head off to college. I had my life planned out. Married by 23, kids by 25. Did I mention how I was going to make millions immediately after graduating from college?? Oh how reality hit hard and God completely destroyed my plans that were simply that - MY PLANS!!

I am grateful for where I am now. I am excited about the passions and desires He has placed in my heart. As I reflect on this past year, bittersweet memories rush to my mind. It was a tough year, but those months allowed for precious times with my Savior. I am closer to my family than ever before and am fortunate for all of the genuine moments I have gotten to share with them. I am breathing air that I do not deserve. I have more people that love me unconditionally than I can count. I am so blessed and am thankful for the 28 years that I have been given. I can't wait to see all the amazing things that this year holds!!!

I voted...

2008-11-02T09:39:00.003-06:00

I voted early a few days ago. I can't say I had a great feeling as I stuck my ballot in the machine. I didn't feel very educated or informed on the state candidates. I even attempted to research each candidate and what they stood for...not much luck.

I CAN say I didn't break the ballot machine this time, which is a huge improvement from the previous election. I brought my sister along in case another humiliating situation arose.

It was pretty exciting seeing so many people in line to vote! I know I often take voting for granted, when there are many people in other countries that don't have this choice...

I wonder what it would look like if a candidate would do something amazing with the money raised, rather than waste it on advertising costs and trashing their opponent...just a thought. I also wonder what the outcome would be if the election was decided by poplular vote rather than the electoral college??

Tuesday will be interesting... Thank goodness God is on His throne and already knows what the outcome will be!!

Speechless

2008-08-30T20:06:00.008-05:00

EEEKK!!! I have been absolutely horrible about blogging lately. It definitely hasn't been for lack of things to write about. For some reason I have had a hard time putting into words all the thoughts swirling in my head. Here goes nothing...

First and foremost, my Savior continues to amaze me. I was blessed with unbelievable opportunities this summer. But it isn't necessarily the things of His hand that leaves me speechless. Rather, Him continuing to show me His unconditional love. Even when I am prideful, impatient and want my way. He still loves and actually wants to use a mess like me?!?

He forgives me when I seek my will rather than His face and gently leads me back to His path. My Good Shepherd has also shown me that when I choose my way instead of His, missing out on blessings and opportunities is not the real tragedy. It is the fact that I have chosen to let sin separate me from my sweet Heavenly Father.

The Lord has revealed to me many things that stir my affections for Him. Simple things like coffee and cupcakes to deeper things such as His Word and encountering people that truly seek and desire Him. He has also shown me things that rob me of my time and passion for Him like silly magazines and gossip.

I came across this Franciscan Benediction in Philip Yancey's book "Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?" It summarizes my thoughts and recent experiences and all that I have been wrestling with.

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children.

Go World!!!

2008-08-11T19:21:00.006-05:00

I don't know what it is about the Olympics that gets me so excited?!? My heart is racing, blood is pumping and I can go from yelling my head off to a face full of tears in a matter of seconds. Its quite impressive actually. I suppose it is fairly obvious that I absolutely LOVE the Olympics, or any sporting event for that matter. I mean when else do I stay up until odd hours of the night to watch table tennis or water polo?!?

I enjoy hearing the history and story behind each athlete. Their sacrifice, dedication, endurance, successes, failures. Everything leading up to this very opportunity to represent their country in an event that they are so passionate about.

Its so cool to see athletes and spectators from across the world that speak so many different languages all cheering for one thing - their team to win the gold!!!

Aloooohaaaa!!!!

2008-07-27T00:21:00.012-05:00

It seems I fall in love with Maui every time I visit. Its hard to accurately describe this amazing island our wonderful Creator designed. Most pictures don't capture the true beauty either. Below are a just a few reasons why it is one of my favorite places, as well as some pics from my trip...

Beautiful beaches. The culture. Delicious food. The sound of waves crashing into the sand. Sipping on a warm cup of coffee watching the powerful ocean. Ridiculously amazing views. Hula and Tahitian dancing. The sunrise. Early morning walks along the beach. Shave ice - strawberry and pina colada with ice cream at the bottom and cream on top to be exact. Alexander's fish and chips. The sunset. Maui Gold pineapple - extra sweet of course. Hearing everyone's "story" on how they ended up in paradise. My beautiful and sweet ohana (family). Kihei Caffe. Laidback locals. ABC Store.

Random Thoughts And A Broken Heart

2008-07-04T14:31:00.010-05:00

Just returned from a short trip to a small colony outside of Guadalajara, Mexico. I have gone on a handful of "mission trips" before, but something was different about this journey. I fell in love with the people, the culture, the language. I could go on for days how my heart broke for everyone there - watching them lined up at the border hoping for the chance to crossover, realizing most of them didn't have much at all, seeing how thirsty they were for Him and His truth.

I realized, on a good day, I simply just don't get it. I seek comfort, convenience, safety. Which I suppose isn't necessarily a bad thing, until I desire it more than Him and His Word. HE IS my comforter and protector, not the things of this world that I buy and grip tightly in order to feel control and possession.

I was so convicted by the words in 1 John 3 "But if anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" Recently I was cleaning out closets and packing up old toys and stuffed animals to give away, and I realized that these are things I don't use and won't miss, but ask me to give the clothes off my back or my favorite shoes...that looks more like sacrifice. Giving and sacrifice should interrupt our lifestyles.

I miss the people of El Rosario, the Montiel Family, los ninos, the twins!!! I pray for the opportunity to go back soon to serve, encourage, and grow with all the amazing individuals I met on my journey.

Here are just a few pictures from the trip...

The 3 Amigas

Precious Juaquin

Jimmy...one of my favorites!!!

Juaquin and me

FCA Leadership Camp

2008-06-14T22:12:00.014-05:00

I just got back from FCA Leadership Camp in Abilene, TX. It was an amazing week. Words cannot describe all that God did...I am in awe of His love for us. It was awesome to see middle school and high school kids completely broken and surrendered to Him during worship. To see them love and encourage one another during competition, the evening service, etc. I am humbled and grateful that I got to be a part of this. Below are a few pictures from camp...

With some of the greatest Huddle Leaders EVER!

Waiting for the campers to arrive...

Prayer before competition

Some of the AMAZING Huddle Leaders

My favorite camper...she is precious!!!

i LOVE...

2008-06-02T22:54:00.010-05:00

cupcakes. in fact, i am convinced that they are the universal symbol for happiness. think about it, have you ever seen anyone with a cupcake that was NOT happy? there is one stipulation - they MUST be the fancy cupcakes from a bakery not the cheap ones you can buy at any random grocery store. there is a little shop in fort worth that i am beginning to get addicted to - the cupcake cottage - you should stop by if you are in the area. they have different flavors each day and even miniature cakes, so you can have more than just one and feel absolutely no guilt. yep, cupcakes are most certainly the way to my heart. (well that and sloppy joes, but i will leave that disgusting fact for another blog...)

early morning jogs. it is such a rewarding feeling to run a long distance before the sun has even risen. the air is crisp and the temperature is perfect. it is a constant reminder of how great our God is - seeing the beautiful sunrise and rediscovering all the beautiful flowers and trees along the way. i love listening to great worship music on my ipod and spending my time focused on Him rather than the things i THINK i have to accomplish that day.

coffee. i LOVE coffee! my favorite is drinking coffee from a cute mug at a coffee shop or restaurant. coffee makes my day - EVERYDAY! i could drink it anytime - day or night and during any season - cold or hot!

catching up with an old friend. picking up where we left off, regardless of how much time has gone by since our last conversation. hearing details of their journey through life - engagements, weddings, babies - and seeing how He has been glorified through it all.

music. i consider it great therapy, regardless of what mood i'm in. i get excited when i stumble across a new artist who's songs aren't repeatedly played on the radio. i love how i can hear an old song and it brings me back to the past as if no time has passed.

reading. i could probably read for a living. i love to curl up with a good book and hide out from the rest of the world. i fear becoming complacent - i want to continue to learn new things everyday. i like the "feel good" stories, nonfiction, theology and religion, real life experiences, history, etc.

A New Season Has Begun

2008-05-27T14:07:00.007-05:00

Words cannot describe this past week and the unbelieveable blessing of getting to experience first hand God's faithfulness. He is leading me down a new path and into a new season. It seems rapid, sudden, abrupt. But really not at all, as I recall the last nine months seeking and begging Him for guidance, clarity, and direction. It just seems so bizarre how it all came about. How clear it was that I was to take the summer "off" to intentionally serve others. In fact, it seemed so obvious that I tried to convince myself that this idea had to be of me rather than Him. Everything has been working out so ridiculously, that it is very apparent He is in every detail - big and small.

What a "chore" it has been already as I pack my belongings to put into storage. The last few years He has been PATIENTLY teaching me to live frugally. As I go through my closet and drawers I realize I have a LOOONG way to go. Its a little bittersweet as I box up all my stuff. Realizing that I am temporarily leaving this ginormous state that I have come to call "home" over the past two years; as well as some of the kindest, most humble, God-fearing people I have ever encountered. (Not to worry...I should be back in the Lone Star State in August.)

But at the sametime I am so excited, some might even label me giddy, as I think of all the familiar faces I will get to see and the amazing opportunities He has placed before me. I am so grateful to have the chance to go home and help my dad with some remodeling projects. (Eeekkk...this could get interesting!) God has put on my heart to take advantage of my singleness and to pour into relationships and people that He has blessed me with. I look forward to quality "girl time" during my trip to Maui with my mom and sister. There is just something about visiting incredible places like Hawaii, that reminds me just how great and mighty my Creator is!!!

I will also be traveling to Guadalajara, Mexico and possibly Seoul, South Korea on mission trips to help with various projects and camps and to share His love with others. I can't even imagine what God has in store, but I am certain He will be glorified! And I will finally get to put my Spanish minor to use in Mexico (too bad I can barely remember how to say my name!)

I am excited and thankful for the new season that He is leading me into, but at the same time comes alot of unknown variables, which can definitely lead to fear and anxiety when I focus on that rather than Him. I hope and pray that this summer is not about me, rather all about Him and His glory!

God, thank you so much for this opportunity and for truly giving me the desires of my heart. Make me Your hands and feet this summer as You guide and direct my path. Shape me and mold me to be more like Christ.

Heavy Heart

2008-05-26T18:41:00.006-05:00

My heart has been heavy lately for the people of Myanmar, China, and the Chapman family. So heavily burdened that thinking about these heartbreaking situations literally brings me to tears. I have been thinking and praying for all the people lost, hurt, and broken due to the extreme events that have occured over the last few weeks.

While mowing my dad's yard this weekend (you read that right - ME mowing!?!) I was talking to God about these horrible situations. Knowing deep in my gut that He IS in complete control, but wondering why He would allow these things to occur. It made me think how often people wonder "How can you put your hope in a God that would allow such horrible things to take place?" After thinking about this for awhile, God said to me "How can you NOT?" You see, its in times like these - when the bottom falls out, when unforeseen disasters hit too close to home, when life's worst tragedies look us smack in the face - that if you DON'T put your hope in Him, what is there to hold on to?

I love His sweet promises..."No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame..." (Psalms 25:3) "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." (Psalms 33:20) He promises to be our protector, our provider, our comforter. He desires intimacy with us and wants us to trust Him AT ALL TIMES. There is a peace that is inexplainable when we put our hope in Him, knowing deep down that as horrible and tragic as the circumstances may appear, He will somehow be glorified through it all.

And Here We Go...

2008-05-18T19:30:00.007-05:00

So I have finally given into peer pressure, dirty looks & nasty letters and have joined the land of the bloggers. I feel like there should be flashing lights, yellow tape, or at least a few warnings. I guess mainly you should know (and many of you do) that I am a sports loving goofball that is somehow ridiculously sensitive. This combination quite possibly could lead to disaster, entertainment, or sheer embarrassment on my part, considering I am sitting in front of a keyboard with the option to type nearly anything that comes to mind on this screen for the whole world to read. Another warning, I promise I will write, like it or not, as I plan on spending a large quantity of time this summer in my hometown (population 8,000). I am certain I will have entertaining stories or will be bored to tears...either way, I will write. Gosh...I hope they have wireless!!!

I had a hard time choosing a name for my blog. I wanted it to be something all encompassing that actually had meaning in my own life. The "thinker" in me spent many a days analyzing and mulling over potential names. Its easy for married couples or families, as they simply add a cute adjective to go with their family name. I wanted something to describe me, where I am in life, and where He is taking me. For some reason "Under Construction," although fitting, didn't seem to flow?? I guess I could have just somehow added a twist to my unprounceable last name, although you wouldn't get updates on my husband or kids, as I don't have either, but I would most certainly tell you the latest news on my fabulous dog!!!

So after many sleepless nights, I came up with "Beautiful Surrender" as I feel that is exactly where I am. About a year ago God began doing a complete "makeover" on my heart and life. He called me out of my comfortable, easy, lukewarm "Christian" life of mediocrity and began leading me down the path of sanctification. My life was turned upside down due to a few tramatic events and life changes. He pointed a spotlight on all the ugly areas in my life that required renovation in order to be more like Christ. With this has come the lesson of humility (and the revealing of my selfish pride), loving the unlovable, submitting my will for His, and simply having faith when it seems absolutely impossible. And this on-going process has left me at utter and complete surrender to Him, His ways, and His plans. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when I don't want to. Even when my ideas seem easier and more exciting. And that is the beauty of it all. To submit to the Creator of the Universe trusting that His ways are ALWAYS higher and better than anything I could ever dream up.