August 9, 2010

What's Next?

I have been sitting in this coffee shop trying to figure out how to update, explain, describe the last few months of my life since my return from Mexico. The transition hasn't been nearly as easy as I imagined. I feel as if I am at a loss for words - I have been - which is the only way to explain the absence of posts since I stepped foot back on American soil. I guess basically because I don't really know how to answer the question that everyone seems to be asking. "What's next?"

It all makes sense in my head. I can even vaguely see a fuzzy-grayish 'something' that is up ahead on this journey. But I don't know exactly how to explain it. At least for it to make sense to all those that aren't camping out inside my head.

In fact, I have intentionally avoided conversations with friends and family about the future, for fear of sounding like a flaky weirdo floundering about the universe. Generally when I do attempt to answer the looming question I end up rambling for a few awkward moments that result in confusing the individual. And myself. Kinda' like right now...

I had lunch with a friend last week and finally said all the thoughts, ideas, and emotions that I have been feeling and processing these last few months. It was so nice to finally put a voice to the words that have been dancing in my head for so long. I admit much of it came out sounding like utter and complete ridiculousness, but at least it all finally came pouring out.

So what IS next?

Things I do know... grad school is on the agenda, but I most likely won't be able to start until next Fall due to application and scholarship deadlines. In the meantime a few amazing opportunities have been presented to me, but I have not made a commitment one way or another. Not until I know for sure. Until I have peace.

At times I feel a bit overwhelmed with uncertainty about decisions that need to be made. But then I remember how faithful the Lord has proven Himself time and time again. I still distinctly remember feeling such a peace leaving my job in Texas, not knowing what was next, which ultimately lead to my life-changing year in Mexico.

How could I ever doubt?

As painful as it was to leave Mexico, I knew it was time. He made it clear. So again, I stand on His word that tells me He will guide me and give me wisdom abundantly.

And until the smoke clears enough to see visibly I will find beauty in the haze and trust that He knows and always has...

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21

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